Split personality

I’m sitting here having yet another one of my patented Fake Epiphanies(TM). I figure that maybe writing it down will help me learn this particular lesson once and for all, so here goes.

Say for instance that there are two Anitras: Generous Anitra and Selfish Anitra. Sorta similar to Goofus and Gallant from Highlights.

Exhibit A: The Original Olsen Twins?

Generous Anitra just loves volunteering her time. She can’t do enough to help people. Doesn’t matter if it’s signing up to be a grad school mentor, taking on freelance publicity assignments when she clearly doesn’t have the time, or contemplating making baked goods for the elderly on a monthly basis–just so long as it’s unpaid, time-consuming, and for a good cause, Generous Anitra is there.

Then we have Selfish Anitra. She’s fully aware that the laws of time and space dictate certain unmutable parameters, namely that one cannot stuff more than 24 hours into a single day. At least not without the use of mind-altering drugs or a time machine, both of which can get very pricey. Selfish Anitra is the one who slaps her forehead a day or two after Generous Anitra has volunteered to edit a friend’s resume or make cupcakes for a work function and realizes, “What the fuck? When exactly am I going to get that done? Note to self: Never help anyone. Ever!!”

The conudrum between our two Anitras is that they both make the other feel terribly guilty: Selfish Anitra chides Generous Anitra for perpetually taking on too much and letting people down. Generous Anitra makes Selfish Anitra feel like a narcissistic bitch. And the circle of life continues.

Just call me shameless

I’m sorry, but I have to brag about this: I won the Icky Thump giveaway on Cool Hunting! I’ve never won anything in my life (at least, not anything worth remembering), so I’m plenty excited. The fact that I won based on my smutty humor was just icing on the cake.

The point was to come up with an original definition of icky thump, like in Balderdash. My answer? “An icky thump is the terrible, rhythmic pounding you hear when your parents are having sex in an adjacent room. Add extra ickiness points if there’s any audible dirty talk.” Yeah, suck on them eggs, everyone else!

Everybody’s doing it

Come on, don’t you want to jump off a bridge with the rest of us Simpsons lovers? Well then, just in case you somehow haven’t heard about this, go to the Simpsons movie website to make your own avatar. And for godsakes, get out of the house while you’re at it!

Wedding outfit a smashing success!

So I had a wedding to attend recently, and as usual waited until the very last minute to do anything about it. Wasn’t sure what to wear, so I went trolling around my magazines. I spotted this beautiful tiered ruffle dress on Kelly Rowland in Self. It was perfect–flowy, looked comfortable, good for the sweaty special day. And how much was it? $3,000!!! Unbelievable! Although it was a Gucci dress, so I shouldn’t have been surprised.

I was so offended by the blatant highway robbery of what amounted to a $3K tube dress that I went ahead and made one for myself. Take that, Gucci!!